Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
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