So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
