I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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