Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
