and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
