I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
