They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
