i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I did not marry a roomba.
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