New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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