whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Randomize
