I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
