Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
