btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
