is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
