A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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