it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Actions speak louder than pants.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
