her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
So vagazzling was a success
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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