Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
