i think i have two assholes
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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