The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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