I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Say something about gay babies.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
