you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Randomize
