Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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