Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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