Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
