i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
