We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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