so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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