Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
