This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
