I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
