I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
