turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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