Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Randomize
