Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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