He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
