Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
