He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
