I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
