Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
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