You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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