Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
