after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
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