i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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