Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
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