I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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