you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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