just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
