I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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