The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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