yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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