dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
