Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
