Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
