plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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