I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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