Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I am never drinking with the goths again.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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