Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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